Flashbacks
by Spydurwebb
Summary: AU - Sarah Jane's memories are missing. As they start to return, she realizes that her life isn't what she thought it was, and her best friend has been standing beside her for years.
1. Chapter 1

FLASHBACKS

As the shower pounded her, she looked down at the scars on the right side of her chest and suddenly, she was taken back in time and remembering something long forgotten as if it was occurring for the first time.

_She stared into the eyes of the man in front of her. Instinctively, she knew this was her husband, but his eyes were that of a monster. He grabbed her and slapped her across the face before throwing her to the floor._

_Almost as soon as she hit the floor, she heard him cock the gun, and knew she needed to lie perfectly still. Absently, she didn't remember him owning a gun. The shots were fired quickly, two in rapid succession. She felt the burn as one hit her upper chest, near her right shoulder, and the other hit her upper leg. _

_She rolled to her left side and lay perfectly still, closing her eyes, hoping he would assume she was already dead._

_A small voice came from behind, a young boy, no more than six years old. 'Daddy, what are you doing?'_

_The man whirled on the boy, his eyes still glowing with rage and fired the gun instinctively. The shot did not miss its target and the boy fell, lifeless. The man screamed, realizing what he'd done and turned the gun on himself, firing._

_The whole episode probably didn't last longer than two minutes, but she felt like an eternity was passing. She pulled herself across the floor to where her son's life blood continued to ooze out of his wound. Before she could reach for a phone to call for help, Sarah Jane Lofts passed out_.

The icy water of the shower continued to pour around her, the hot water having long run out. It was hard to tell where the water stopped and the tears began. Suddenly, pieces came flooding back to her, everything snapping back into place.

She thought about the man she now called her husband that sat in the living room, and their teenage son.

Turning off the water, Sarah quickly towelled off and threw on a robe before walking downstairs to the living room where her husband sat in his favourite chair reading a book.

He looked up and smiled as she walked in, 'Did you have a good shower?' He saw the redness in her eyes and his smile quickly faded. 'Sarah, what's wrong?'

'John, I know what happened.'

John quickly jumped up as Sarah sank onto the nearby sofa and held her head in her hands. He sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her, the slight Scottish lilt in his voice soothing her. 'Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry.'

'The pieces feel like they're still falling into place, although there are still huge gaps. I can't believe I had a son that was shot and killed right in front of me and I didn't remember him.'

'Sarah, it was so traumatic for you, your brain just blocked it out.'

She sat up, trying to put some distance between her and the memories. John released her from his embrace, but continued to hold her hand to watch her as she asked her questions. 'How long ago was that?'

'Eighteen years.'

'And we've been married just over sixteen years, and Luke just turned fifteen.'

John smiled, 'That's right.'

'I have another question.' Sarah turned to look at John, she looked down at their entwined fingers, then back up to look in his eyes. 'Doctor, why didn't I know you? In all this time I never heard your double heartbeat, and you seem to be warmer than before? Why don't I remember huge chunks of my past and why are you taking what you always called the "slow path"?'

The Doctor, having lived the last eighteen years as John Smith, laughed. 'Sarah, that's more than one question.'

'I used to be a journalist. And add this question to the list, where's the TARDIS?'

'A very good journalist at that.' The Doctor stood up and reached for Sarah to join him. 'Sarah, I think most of the answers you want are tied into your last question. Come on, the TARDIS is close by.'


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing, I'm just playing in the BBC sandbox. This is all AU, so of course Luke here isn't SJA's Luke. :-)

~!~!~!~

Sarah ran her hands along the TARDIS console, feeling the familiar hum beneath her fingers. She could almost feel the TARDIS reaching out, soothing and comforting as she looked around and took in the surroundings. It wasn't the white console room from her time travelling in the TARDIS, but more warm browns with Victorian furniture dotted along the edges of the room. 'This is so similar, yet at the same time so different.'

'I've had some time on my hands to redecorate.' the Doctor said as he came up and slipped an arm around her waist.

She glanced over at him. 'I have a hard time reconciling the Doctor that I travelled with all those years who was nothing more than emotionally distant at best, and you, the John Smith I married who is tactile and loving.' She pulled away from him. 'Which brings up another point, which regeneration are you? And if you were going to stay here, why wouldn't you come as one of the regenerations I was familiar with?'

'This is my seventh incarnation. And as for choosing a particular time to come back to you, I have to confess that I didn't do that. The TARDIS did.'

'What do you mean?'

'She sensed you were in danger. I'm the one that found you after…' he let the end of that sentence fade.

Sarah let her head drop, 'Please don't say you stayed all this time out of guilt.'

The Doctor took her face in his hands, making her look him in the eyes. 'Look at me. I did not stay because I felt guilty, Sarah Jane.' He stepped away and walked around the console, flipping switches and looking at dials along the way.

'How did I not pick up on this? It seems so obvious now. You're an eccentric, yet brilliant scientist who spouts off jargon every time I turn around in answer to a question. Going from extreme talkativeness to silence without batting an eye. You even worked with UNIT!'

He didn't look up from the console. 'As long as you didn't remember Andrew and Christopher, you wouldn't have realised who I was.'

Sarah didn't like the tone in his voice. She walked around the console to him. 'Doctor.' When he didn't respond, she gingerly touched him on the arm, 'John.' She stepped back from him and sighed. 'I don't even know what to call you anymore. What is it you're not telling me?'

The Doctor simply looked up at her. 'You can call me whatever you're comfortable with. You've called me John longer than you ever called me Doctor. As for what you feel I'm not telling you…' the rest of his sentence hung unsaid.

Sarah picked up instantly. 'Oh…you messed with my head again.' She ran a hand over her eyes then let her head drop as if exhausted. 'I don't think I know what's real anymore. There are still huge gaps that I don't remember.'

The Doctor took her by the arm and led her towards a nearby chair. 'Sarah, it might be for the best that you don't remember everything.'

She broke free of his grasp, 'How can you say that? What are you hiding? I want to know everything, and I want to know now!'

'As you wish, Sarah Jane, but it will change things.'

'How?'

'All those memories flooding back in so rapidly, it changes your perception on things. It will change your perceptions of our time here together, our relationship, even your perception of Luke.'

She finally sat down in the chair. 'Are we based on a lie? On my missing memories?'

He shook his head, 'No, no. We are a constant, Sarah.'

'Then bring them back. I want all my memories.'

'Are you sure?'

'All of them.'

'Very well.' He kneeled in front of her and placed his right hand on the back of her head. Softly, he ran his other hand through her hair and across her face and told her, 'This is going to be painful. I wish I could change that, but I can't.'

Sarah nodded, 'I understand, it's ok.'

Gently, the placed his left hand against her right temple and looked into her eyes. Instantly her face contorted as searing pain ripped through her mind. She refused to scream in agony, but tears ran down her cheeks unbridled. The Doctor couldn't help his own tears falling as he watched. A few moments later, it was over and Sarah collapsed forward into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. All he could do was hold her and whisper meaningless consolations to her. It frustrated him that it wasn't nearly enough, and that nothing would be able to make up to her the pain of what she was re-living.

He pulled her into a standing position where he could more easily pick her up and carry her back towards her old bedroom. As he was walking, he changed direction and took her to another room instead.

~!~!~!~

When the Doctor came back into the console room, Luke was standing there, looking at some of the readouts. 'Ah, Luke, you figured out where we were.'

'It wasn't hard, Dad.' He pointed at his own temple, 'It rather came flooding in.'

The Doctor walked over and squeezed Luke affectionately on the shoulder. 'I'm sorry about that, son. Now that your mother has her memories back, the telepathic link between us all will strengthen.'

'How is Mum?'

'Sleeping at the moment, but she's distraught, of course.'

'Of course. All of her things from the other house are still here in storage, aren't they?'

The Doctor nodded. 'Yes, I made sure of it. I somehow suspected that this day might come eventually. There are still implications that I'm sure have not occurred to your mother yet.'

'You mean about the DNA changes so I could be born, and how that affects her lifespan?'

'That's just the beginning of it, Luke, although her DNA was changed long before our marriage, well, before our Earth ceremony. I don't know if she'll remember the ceremony on Aldebarus III, and that was while we were travelling together. I take these things very seriously. She's still going to have questions about our time together from before that she'll want answers to. Why I left her on Earth, why I didn't come back for her. About Christopher.'

Luke looked up questioningly into the Doctor's eyes. 'Dad, can I ask a question?'

'Of course.'

'Now that Mum's memory has returned, are you going back to travelling? And if you do go back to travelling, are you going alone?'

The Doctor gave Luke a reassuring hug, 'Luke, I have no intention of breaking up my family.'

~!~!~!~

Sarah tossed and turned as she dreamt of terrible things that were actually her memories re-establishing themselves.

_She watched from the floor, everything appearing in slow motion as Andrew turned and fired the gun at her son, Christopher. After Andrew collapsed from his own wounds, she tried to pull herself over towards the boy, excruciating pain coursing through her arm and leg and head pounding. Just as she reached for Christopher, she heard the familiar wheezing, groaning noise she never thought she'd hear again. It was then she finally lost consciousness…_

_She woke up in hospital, or what appeared to be a hospital room. Instinctively, she knew this was no ordinary hospital. And there was certainly nothing ordinary about the man sitting next to her bedside. From the cream colour fedora resting casually on the end of the bed, to the crazy question mark-covered jumper the man was wearing, and the umbrella with the question mark handle that he rested his head against._

_'Do I know you?' she managed to croak out._

_'Sarah, you're awake. Let me get Harry.' The man quickly ran out the room, and came back in with a man in a sharp military uniform with a stethoscope draped across his shoulders. It took a minute, but she finally recognized him as her old friend, Harry Sullivan._

_Harry smiled, 'Good to see you awake, Sarah, old girl.'_

_The gravelly sound to her voice surprised her, 'Harry, don't call me old girl. Where am I, how long have I been here and why am I here?'_

_The man in the funny jumper laughed, 'Still as many questions as ever, Sarah Jane.'_

_Harry came over to her and flashed a light in her eyes, then popped the stethoscope in his ears and placed the flat end against her chest. 'Your eyes are now responsive. Heartbeat back to normal, that's a good sign. As for your questions, you're in a UNIT hospital and you've been here about a week.'_

_'Why?'_

_Jumper Man, as Sarah began to think of him, motioned to Harry before he should say anything. 'I'll explain everything, Sarah.'_

_'Who are you?'_

_The man looked deeply into her eyes, almost speaking to her without words. 'I'm John. John Smith, and I'm your very best friend. Don't you remember?'_

_Suddenly, she realised she knew this man, had known him for quite some time, and knew she could trust him. 'John, yes, of course. I can't believe I didn't remember. Please, tell me what happened, why am I here?'_

_John sat down and took her hand in his. 'Sarah, there was an accident.'_

_'I don't remember it, I don't remember anything.'_

_John reached out and stroked her hair soothingly. 'It's ok, Sarah. We'll get through this. You and I, together.'_

_'Please tell me.'_

_'Sarah, you were shot twice. Once in the leg and once in the shoulder, and you've been banged up pretty badly. I don't know exactly what happened, I found you afterwards.'_

_Sarah sighed. 'I feel like I've been hit by a lorry.'_

_John gently touched the side of her face, being careful to avoid the bruises. 'A fairly accurate assessment. Once you're well enough, we'll get you home and out of this sterile room.'_

_Sarah reached up and tentatively touched John's face, as if he was going to disappear any moment. 'I'd prefer sooner, rather than later.'_

When John smiled down at her in her dream, Sarah woke up. She looked around the bedroom in the TARDIS. It didn't take long for her to realise that this was not her former room, but rather the room she remembered seeing only a few times, many, many years previously.

Sarah slowly stood up and walked over to a door she knew was a closet. She took a deep breath and opened the door, the contents surprising her at how timeless they seemed. She ran a hand across the simple, white dress hanging there. 'Looks as if I just wore it yesterday,' she said softly.

Beside the dress hung a large, long, white poet style shirt and a sharp pair of black trousers. Around the middle of the shirt was tied a long black sash. Sarah couldn't help but laugh at the memory. 'There's not everyone I would discard my scarf and wear this overly frilly shirt for, Sarah.' the Doctor had told her when she first saw him wearing it.

She moved the dress and was surprised at a framed 11x17 photograph that sat on an interior shelf. It was a picture of the Doctor she had spent the majority of her travels with, all teeth and curls, wearing the black trousers, sash and frilly shirt. A wreath of small white flowers had been placed like a crown on his head. Beside him, Sarah wore the white dress, her own long hair having similar white flowers braided through it. They were embracing, both of them smiling at each other and looking truly happy.

'Our first wedding,' Sarah said softly. 'We were much better actors than I thought we were.'


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes:

Not mine, nope, none of it! The 4th Doc makes his appearance - to me, those take place between 'Android Invasion' and 'Brain of Morbius'. Reviews would be awesome!

~!~!~!~

Luke sat in a comfortable chair in the console room reading a book while the Doctor continued to make adjustments on the console itself. Neither of them was paying attention when the internal door opened and Sarah walked through.

'Aldebarus III. You and I were married the first time on Aldebarus III.'

Luke looked up from his book, and the Doctor looked up from the console. Neither of them made a move towards Sarah. Slowly, she made her way over to the Doctor.

'You were in your fourth incarnation then.'

The Doctor smiled. 'In between all those promises to take you home that I never intended on keeping.'

Sarah returned his smile and gave him a cautious embrace. 'And in the end, you never did get that part right.'

The Doctor enthusiastically returned her embrace. 'No, certainly not even in the way I thought I had.'

'You know what? I was more at home here than anywhere else in that time.'

'And now?'

She looked from the Doctor to Luke. 'Home is where ever you and Luke are, but John, we need to talk.'

Luke stood up, 'I'll go on back to the house and leave you to it.' He gave Sarah a hug. 'I'm glad you're ok, Mum.'

Sarah kissed his forehead, 'We'll all going to be ok, Luke.'

As Luke went out the door, the Doctor extended an arm to Sarah, 'Shall we walk while we talk?'

Sarah looped an arm into the Doctor's and they walked through the TARDIS's interior door. After a few moments of walking in companionable silence, Sarah looked over at the Doctor. 'Our wedding on Aldebarus III was forced.'

'Yes, the Aldebarians were very unhappy that we were travelling together in an improper relationship.'

'There was nothing improper about our relationship. You'd never so much as given me a second look back then.'

'Oh, I'd given you plenty of second looks. Third and fourth looks as well, from the time my old grey model first met you, but I kept it from you pretty well. The Aldebarians picked up on that.'

'If that's so, then yes, you did keep it from me. "Go along with it, Sarah, it's just a formality, don't take it so seriously." That's what you told me. You made it seem like a joke.' She paused for a moment. 'It wasn't until later that I even suspected that you might've meant what you said, and even then I wasn't positive. I'm not sure I ever knew exactly what you thought about that.'

'But you do now?'

'Oh yes,' Sarah replied off-handedly.

'Sarah.' The Doctor stopped walking and took both of Sarah's hands in his. 'It was a bonding ceremony. The only one I've participated in and the only one that would ever matter. While I loved our ceremony sixteen years ago, it was that one on Aldebarus III where I gave my hearts to you. Our wedding here simply allowed me to finally state what I felt back then.'

'Then why did you dump me back on Earth?'

The Doctor started walking again, leaving Sarah standing there. 'I told you, humans weren't allowed on Gallifrey.'

Sarah called after him. 'Borusa didn't seem to have a problem with it when he used the time scoop.'

'Times change, and you should not have remembered that.'

She tapped her temple with her index finger. 'Part of those memories that flooded back. I think I may have gotten some of yours jumbled into that mix.' She rushed to catch up with him. 'You could have come back for me at any one of those points.'

The Doctor looked over at her as they resumed walking. 'I did come back for you, Sarah Jane. When I did, you were married and had a child. I did not plan on letting you see me.'

'I thought I dreamt that,' she said softly. 'You also never told me that the gestation period on my child would be fourteen months either.' This time Sarah stopped walking. 'I had a devil of a time trying to explain that one, fortunately Harry was a big help.'

The Doctor stopped walking, but he didn't turn around to face Sarah. Softly he spoke, 'I always wondered if you knew how those biological changes made after your run in with dystronic toxaemia would affect you. It broke my hearts not to be able to say anything before you left. I watched you walk out those doors that day and figured I'd be back faster than you could say "Rassilon". Unfortunately, it took a bit longer and it appeared that you had moved on.'

'Andrew and I had known each other for a long time. We were even engaged when I was at University. I didn't marry him because I wasn't ready to give up my career and have a family. When he found out that I was back and pregnant, and that the father wasn't around, he treated me very well. However, he had no idea what going on inside me physically.'

'Would it have mattered? You're still the same Sarah Jane you always were.'

'What am I looking at as far as the DNA changes go? How old will I live to be? How old will Luke live to be? Will he regenerate? Christopher didn't when his stepfather killed him. Is that why you've been content to stay here on Earth all this time? Are you sure it's not out of some sense of guilt?'

'I brought Christopher back to the TARDIS to see if there was any way I could force a regeneration. There wasn't. As for your DNA changes, except for a few minor modifications, you're still human.'

Silence hung between them like a curtain for several minutes. Finally, Sarah sniffed as tears threatened to spill over again. 'Not quite, though. That's what caused Andrew to snap that day. He thought I was some sort of alien monstrosity in a human suit. I don't even want to know what he was thinking about Christopher.'

'What caused him to find out the truth?'

'From what I remember, it was some inebriated, loose lipped UNIT soldier he ran into in the pub.' The Doctor didn't respond, but she could see his eyes darkening in anger. 'All of my medical records are kept there because in their eyes, I'm not quite human anymore. Harry was a huge help and made sure that I was taken care of while I was pregnant with Christopher, the same way he did with Luke, but even he still looks at me differently. I don't know who else may have had access to that information back then.'

'What a closed-minded…'

Sarah cut him off quickly. 'Doctor, be realistic. This was twenty years ago, Andrew considered me a freak of nature or something. I lied to him for years about where I'd been and what I'd done while I'd been off with you. He was perfectly justified in feeling that I wasn't who I said I was. I lied because I knew he couldn't deal with the truth. And maybe to some extent because the more I said it, the more I began to believe the lie myself.'

'No matter what he thought, he had no right to take it out on you and Christopher with violence. Violence is never the answer, you know that.'

'And yet look at how violent the world is, look at how violent most of the places we went were.'

'Except for Aldebarus III.'

She smiled, 'Yes, except for Aldebarus III.'

_Sarah looked around the tiny room on Aldebarus III. 'They want us both to stay in here tonight? You can stretch out your arms and touch the opposite walls.'_

_The tall Doctor with wildly curly hair and a huge smile squeezed Sarah's shoulder slightly, 'Well, it is customary. And it is just one night. This time tomorrow, we'll be safely back in the TARDIS. Besides, we've been in smaller jail cells for longer.'_

_Sarah looked back at him and laughed. 'Yeah, I suppose you're right.' As they walked in, they both heard the door lock behind them. Sarah tried to make light of the situation. 'I guess that's the Aldebarian way of tucking us in.'_

_'Quaint. No escaping that way then.'_

_Sarah noticed the temperature drop immediately. 'It's freezing in here. I suppose it's not like any posh hotel where we can control the thermostat.'_

_The Doctor sniffed the air suspiciously. 'They've introduced a certain chemical element to the air as well.'_

_'Oh great, trying to gas us to death?'_

_The Doctor turned around a couple of times surveying the area. 'No, I think they have much different ideas. This is probably the Aldebarian version of an intoxicant.' Just as he finished his sentence, the lights dimmed in the room automatically._

_Sarcastically, Sarah quipped, 'Mood lighting and aphrodisiacs, how nice.' She sat on the edge of the bed. 'Well, you say this is just overnight and I'm exhausted. We might as well take advantage of a night's peace and quiet. Although, given how cold it is in here, it's a shame you're not wearing your long coat so that I could steal it from you. This dress is not what I would consider overly warm.'_

_The Doctor turned and looked at her, not having paid too much attention to what she'd said. 'What? Oh yes, right. Get some sleep, Sarah, tomorrow is a whole new day.'_

_Sarah curled up on one side of the smallish bed and closed her eyes. After a few minutes, she looked back up at the Doctor. 'Are you going to stand there are night?'_

_'I don't need sleep like you do, Sarah.'_

_'I know that, but you still don't have to stand up. I don't mind if you want to sit or lie down on the bed. It's not like there's another chair in here. I won't bite, I promise.' She smiled as she said the last sentence._

_The Doctor was unable to resist smiling back. 'Very well.' He sat down beside her and leaned against the wall. 'Good night, Sarah.'_

_'Good night, Doctor.' She replied sleepily._

_It was hard for even the Doctor to remain awake. He knew exactly which chemical the Aldebarians had introduced into the air, and he knew what the desired effect was supposed to be. Fortunately, both his Time Lord and Sarah's human physiology were not as susceptible to the intended effects, instead they both just became very sleepy. He looked over at Sarah and could tell by the even rise and fall of her ribcage that she was indeed sleeping soundly. Not long after, he too drifted into a comfortable sleep._

_At some point, he woke up, the temperature of the room affecting even him. He looked over at Sarah, knowing that if he were chilly, she would be positively freezing. Indeed, she had curled up on her side in a ball in an attempt to keep warm, and even in sleep was shivering. He looked around for anything that could be used to help warm her up. He noticed a small blanket folded up by the door. He assumed that it had been put in there while they were both asleep because he knew it had not been there when they first came in._

_He picked it up, unfolding it just enough to cover Sarah. He draped it cautiously over her, trying not to wake her. She shifted as he reached over her to make sure she was completely covered up. 'What's wrong?' she asked drowsily._

_'Nothing.' He whispered. 'It's just an extra blanket for you to keep warm.'_

_'What about you?'_

_'What?'_

_She reached out clumsily for one of his hands. 'Doctor, you're freezing. You need something too.'_

_'I'm fine, Sarah, really.'_

_Sarah sat up and fully unfolded the blanket. 'Don't argue. Now, lay down.'_

_He did as ordered and couldn't help but smile as she reached across him to make sure they were both adequately covered with the thin blanket. He had to admit it was better than nothing. She patted him lightly on the chest before lying down and curling back up in her ball, but this time much closer and facing him. He watched her features relax as she began to fall back to sleep, and couldn't help but notice the slightest smile on her face._

_He reached over and pushed away some stray hair that had fallen across her face. 'My Sarah Jane.' He whispered._

_She opened her eyes and was transfixed by the Doctor's eyes staring at her. She started to say something, but the Doctor reached up and gently placed his finger over her lips. He leaned over and kissed her tentatively, then pulled back and looked in her eyes. When she didn't resist or pull back, but instead smiled at him; he returned her smile, then leaned towards her again, this time for a much deeper, intense kiss._

_At some point during the night, Sarah stirred slightly. Without opening her eyes, she realised her head was tucked up underneath the Doctor's chin and her arm was draped across his chest, and she could feel his arms wrapped around her._

_'Good morning,' the Doctor intoned quietly, but with a smile._

_She propped herself up on one elbow and quickly pulled the arm that had been draped across him back to herself. 'Hi.'_

_Before Sarah could question further, the Doctor continued, 'I'm sorry, Sarah, but you were still shivering. It was the only way to try to keep you warm. We should only be in here a few more hours.'_

_She gave him a small smile and laid back down, resting her head in the crook of his arm, 'It's ok, I don't mind.'_

'Tell me, what went through your head back then?' Sarah asked.

'All I wanted to do that night was hold you and never let go. That ceremony was incredibly important to me, Sarah.' They had reached the door she came out of earlier. The Doctor pushed open the door and motioned for Sarah to go in.

Sarah walked directly over to the closet and pointed at her dress and his trouser/shirt combo. 'When did you get this? The Aldebarians let us change back into our regular clothes before we left, and I don't remember taking it with us.'

'We didn't. I went back to Aldebarus III right after going to Gallifrey. They asked about you and when I told them that I'd taken you home, but that I was going back to get you, they were more than happy to give me the clothes, and the picture.'

'I wish things could've been different when you finally did come back.'

'What would you have done? You were married and Christopher was what, three or four in Earth years? I watched the two of you for over an hour while you had him playing in the park.'

Sarah walked backwards and sank down on the bed. 'I remember that day. I had to get out of the house. Andrew and I had a terrible fight and I was feeling so cooped up. So I took Christopher to the park to play. All was quiet, then I thought I heard someone call my name. When I turned back around, Christopher had taken off at a run, calling "Daddy, Daddy". I caught up with him at the edge of a wooded area. I had no idea what he'd seen. As I picked him up, I tried to follow where he was looking, but I couldn't see anyone.'

'Do you remember what you told him?'

'What I told Christopher? You could hear that?'

The Doctor nodded. 'As you started to walk away, you told him, "No baby, Daddy isn't here." It broke my hearts, because I could hear the pain in your voice. But I also saw your wedding ring and knew I couldn't just step back into your life. Then you saw me.'

_Sarah took off at a run after the brown, curly haired little boy, scooping him up in her arms just as they reached the edge of the woods._

_The boy looked up at her expectantly, then turned back to the trees. 'Daddy?'_

_'No baby, Daddy isn't here.' She said sadly, trying to push her hopes to the back of her mind, but there was something, or should she say someone knocking cautiously at the edges of her mind. 'Come on Christopher, it's time to go home.'_

_As she began to walk away, she heard a twig snap and turned back to the woods. 'Hello, is someone there?'_

_The voice was unmistakable, even on the unlikely chance that the figure that stepped out from behind the closest tree hadn't been. 'Hello, Sarah.'_

_Sarah shifted the young boy in her arms. 'Doctor, it is you, I thought so.' A million thoughts went through her mind all at once. She didn't know whether to yell at him, swear, hug him or walk away. She settled for a cool distant tone. 'What are you doing here?'_

_'I came back for you.'_

_'I don't remember you being such a bad liar. If you had come back for me, it would've been four years ago, and you wouldn't be watching me secretly from the edge of the woods. You had no intention of telling me you were here, you just wanted to check up on me.' She put Christopher down, but continued to hold his small hand. With her free hand, she touched her temple, 'I can't seem to get you out of here.'_

_'It'll only be noticeable for you when I'm on Earth, and hopefully only when I'm close by. I didn't come back to interrupt your life, Sarah. You've moved on, obviously.' He motioned to Christopher._

_'Oh, don't play that with me, Doctor. You know full well who Christopher is.'_

_'That shouldn't be possible, Sarah Jane.'_

_'Please. Christopher has two hearts.'_

_'What? That really shouldn't be possible.' He knelt down in front of the boy and gently put a hand against his chest, first on one side, and then the other. His eyes got huge as he heard the double heartbeat._

_Christopher looked up at the curly haired man with bulging blue eyes and wide smile. 'Daddy?'_

_'Sarah, he's…' the Doctor had trouble finishing his sentence._

_Sarah offered her own closure to the sentence. 'Wonderful, fantastic, the best thing that ever happened to me?'_

_'Ours was the word I was looking for.'_

_'Amazing how that happened, but you knew before you sent me away, didn't you?'_

_The Doctor picked up Christopher easily with one arm and studied the boy almost as much as the boy was studying him. 'I suspected. But I also thought I'd be back faster than you could say "Rassilon". I never expected it would take me this long to get back here.'_

_'Well, where do we go from here?'_

_The Doctor took his free arm and reached out towards Sarah, gently cupping her face with his hand. 'I'm not going to ask you to leave your husband, Sarah. I would like to be a part of your and Christopher's life, but that would not be the best for you, I fear.'_

_'I didn't…I couldn't…Oh Doctor, I'm so sorry.' She looked at the ground, unable to look him in the eyes._


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes:

Not mine, nope, none of it! Reviews would be awesome, is anyone reading?

~!~!~!~

'Ultimately, this is entirely my fault, isn't it? You had no problem stepping into my life again after Andrew went nuts.'

'You were unconscious and Christopher was gone. You weren't in any position to argue, one way or the other. I stepped back into a place I never should've left.'

Sarah laid back on the bed. 'My head is pounding.' She put a hand over her eyes. 'Why did you bring me in here earlier, anyway? Out of all the rooms in the TARDIS, why this one?'

The Doctor took the hand that wasn't covering her eyes. 'This is our room, it seemed like the most natural place.' Letting go of her hand and standing up, he walked across the room and turned the lights down. 'Your head is sore because of all the pressure of the day; those memories don't rush in without some wear and tear on the dendrites. Why don't you stay here and try to get some rest? I'll get Luke and set the TARDIS to float in the vortex for a while.'

'Wait a minute.' Sarah sat up slowly. 'I need to know something before you walk out that door.'

The Doctor came back over and sat down beside her, casually draping an arm across her waist. 'If you're going to ask me what this means for us, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.' He reached up and caressed her face before gently pulling her to him for a slow, meaningful kiss.

_The rest of the night on Aldebarus III was quiet. As the sun rose and began to shine through a small window, Sarah felt a pair of arms encircle her. She nestled back against the Doctor's chest. 'It feels warmer in here,' she said softly._

'It's your imagination,' the Doctor whispered in her ear. 'The Aldebarians aren't real keen on changing the conditions of their cells.'

'It could be a worse way to be in prison.'

'We'll be out of here soon enough, ten hours is usually about the normal for overnight stays here on Aldebarius.'

'It makes it sound like you knew what was going to happen here.'

Just then, they heard a loud click of the door being unlocked.

'Ah, here we go, Sarah. Time to go home.' The Doctor jumped up off the bed quickly. 'Back to the TARDIS and to our normal travels.'

Sarah got up a bit more slowly. 'Right, back to running for our lives, escaping certain death and righting the galaxy's wrongs.'

The Doctor playfully punched her on the shoulder and smiled, 'That's the spirit!'

The Aldebarians ushered them back to separate rooms where they could change back into their regular attire before walking them both back to the TARDIS and wishing them well.

Once inside the TARDIS, the Doctor went quickly to working on the console. Sarah watched him for a moment. 'Uh, Doctor, did you care to comment on what happened back there?'

'It was a ceremony much like I would expect on many primitive worlds, Sarah. The Aldebarians were better than most as far as hospitality goes and at least they didn't make us undergo the ceremony at knife point.' The TARDIS shifted suddenly, and the Doctor kneeled in front of the console, pulling off a panel and sticking his head inside.

She decided against pursuing it anymore. She knew if the Doctor wanted to mention anything about it, he would find a way. She wasn't sure why, but she was suddenly very depressed. Silently, she decided to take a walk around the TARDIS to clear her mind.

A few minutes later, the Doctor pulled his head out from underneath the console. 'Sarah, about last night...and there's something you need to know about that ceremony…' he dropped off as he realised she wasn't there. He felt the pounding in his head and knew it was probably affecting Sarah even worse. 'Ah, aftereffects of the chemical, I'd better warn her.' He set off through the interior door in search of Sarah.

It didn't take him long to find her. She was sitting in one of the corridors, leaning against the wall, knees pulled up against her chest, her head cradled in her hands. He knelt beside her and gently put a hand on her shoulder.

'My head started pounding suddenly,' she whispered. 'It came on so fast, and I don't even feel like I can take another step.'

He lowered his voice to a whisper to match hers. 'I know, Sarah, I'm sorry.' He reached out and pushed her hair away from her face. 'It seems to be an effect from the chemicals the Aldebarians gave us.'

'How long will this last?'

'I'm not sure.' He helped her to stand up, but her legs gave way almost immediately. He easily scooped her up and began to carry her down the hallway. As he was walking, the throbbing in his own head began to worsen. 'C'mon Sarah, I need to get you some place where you can lie down. Sleep is probably the least painful way to get this out of your system.'

He staggered a bit, causing her to look up and study his face intently. 'You too?'

'Yes.' He pushed open the nearest door with his foot. 'Ah, this will do nicely.' He carried Sarah over towards the large bed against the wall and gently sat her down. 'Now, you lie here for a bit. I'm going to go see if I can come up with something that will help us get this out of our system faster.'

Sarah slid back onto the bed. 'If this is affecting you as well, you need to take it easy.'

He smiled at her. 'I will, but let's see what we can do about subsiding these headaches, shall we? Then, you and I need to discuss something.'

'As much as my head hurts, you've piqued my curiosity.' She smiled up at him. 'Doctor, does this have to do with…'

'You know me too well, Sarah. I'll be back in a few minutes, you just rest until then.' He left and pulled the door shut behind him. He rested his hand on the door for a moment before walking towards his lab.

It didn't take long for him to take a blood sample, identify the exact chemical and create a reasonable antidote. He gave himself a quick injection and then made a few more modifications for Sarah's antidote. He quickly headed back to the bedroom he'd left her in. He opened up the door and smiled as she saw her sleeping.

He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out and took her hand. 'Sarah. Sarah, sit up for a second. I have to give you the antidote.'

She sat up and rubbed her hand over her eyes, then spied the syringe in his hand. 'Oh goodie, a shot.'

'It's faster than anything else.' He took her sleeve and rolled it up. 'I'm sorry, but this is going to burn as it goes through your bloodstream.' He gave her the shot, then laid the empty syringe on the bedside table. He kicked off his shoes and stretched out on the bed with his back against the headboard.

She whimpered slightly as the antidote coursed through her veins. The Doctor frowned, then tapped her lightly on the arm. 'Come here.' He opened his arms.

Sarah hesitated and looked from his arms up to his face. 'What is going through that head of yours, Doctor?'

'You're in pain, Sarah. I caused it. The least I can do is give you some earthly expression of comfort.'

As she settled into his embrace, she continued to question him. 'Since when? This is not exactly normal behaviour for you. Last night notwithstanding, you've never been this, how shall I say, tangible before. What does this have to do with that ceremony on Aldebarus III?'

'It was a bonding ceremony, Sarah.'

'I know that, you're the one who said it was just a formality, and that we had to do it to get off the planet.' She winced again as more of the antidote continued to course its way through her veins.

He tightened his arms around her, resting his cheek against the top of her head. 'It was a formality, but never doubt how much you mean to me, Sarah. You're more than just an assistant or a travelling companion. You're my best friend.'

Sarah sat up and looked over at the Doctor sitting in front of her. 'John, I still have trouble with the fact that I lost all those memories for all those years.'

'That's something we won't have to worry about again.'

'You suppressed them. Why?'

The Doctor looked down at his shoes, then looked up at Sarah's inquisitive eyes. 'I did what I've always tried to do. I was just trying to protect you.'

She reached over and took his hand in hers. 'Please do me a favor. Going forward, can we face things together? I'd rather go in with both eyes open than come out the other side only having seen half of what was going on.'

He reached out and took her face in his hands. 'Sarah, you've stood by me longer than I ever thought anyone could. You've put yourself in danger time and time again right by my side. I will continue to try to protect you, but I won't shelter you.'

She smiled, then leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. 'That's all I ask.' She stood up and headed for the door, the Doctor following. 'Now, what does Luke know?'

'He knows his heritage.'

Sarah laughed. 'That one day, he'll grow up and spend his life saving the Earth over and over, just like his dad?'

The Doctor joined in her laughter. 'Just like both his parents. You've saved the world, too, Sarah.'

'You and I together, yes.'


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Notes:

Not mine, nope, none of it! Reviews would be awesome, is anyone reading? Sarah needs some questions answered, but this just might make her question more.

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Sarah sat at the restaurant waiting patiently when Harry entered. He waved slightly, then came over to join her. 'Sarah, old girl, what was the emergency?'

'Thanks for coming to meet me, Harry. I need some answers to some questions.'

'Is something wrong with John or Luke? I saw John earlier today and he didn't say anything.'

Sarah laced her fingers together and placed her hands on the table in front of her, thinking through her next comments before she spoke them. 'I know that John is really the Doctor.'

'Ah. Fair enough.' He watched her for a minute before continuing. 'There's more to it, isn't there.'

'I remember everything.'

The look of surprise was evident in Harry's expression. 'What happened?'

Sarah shook her head. 'I have no idea what triggered it initially, but I made the Doctor release all the memories that he'd suppressed all those years.'

Harry reached out and laid his hand over Sarah's. 'How are you doing? I mean that hardly seems like a big enough question, all things considered.'

'Like I said, I need some answers, preferably from someone who was there.'

'I'll do what I can, Sarah.'

'Start with this one. Why did you agree to keep my past from me? Especially about Christopher?'

Harry released Sarah's hands and sat back. 'When the Doctor brought you in, we honestly weren't sure whether you were going to even survive. You had been badly beaten even before Andrew shot you. When you finally woke up, you had no memory of what had happened, and for a while, you seemed to be teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown, even without those memories. The Doctor was afraid that if you did remember everything that it might break you.'

'Did you agree with his decision?'

'I questioned it at first, but Sarah, after your aunt died, we were your only family other than Andrew and Christopher. No one was going to question it. Andrew had done a damn fine job of segregating you away from your friends and everyone else that cared about you.'

Sarah sighed and looked down at her hands. 'He was very controlling. That's probably part of the reason we broke up in university. In all honesty, I should have left him when the Doctor came back.'

'Came back? When did he come back?'

'Ironically, it was right after Andrew and I had a fight. It was the first time he hit me, but I didn't tell the Doctor that. Christopher was about four at the time. It was our Doctor, Harry. The one that was all teeth and curls. I wanted nothing more than to take Christopher and leave with him. In retrospect, I probably should have.'

'Sarah, you know as well as I do that the TARDIS would be no place to raise a child.'

'As opposed to him being dead, killed by his own stepfather when he was six years old? I can't do anything to change what happened, but I surely didn't do a very good of protecting him.' Sarah shook her head slightly, she had other questions she wanted answers to, some that she hoped she could get more concrete answers to.

They took a break to order a drink and sat in companionable silence until after the waitress brought their drinks. Sarah finally continued. 'Harry, how much have I been changed?'

Harry gave her a questioning look. 'What do you mean?'

'My DNA. How many steps away am I from human?'

Harry took a deep breath. 'It isn't so much about steps exactly.'

Sarah shot him a look that would melt ice. 'Harry.'

'Sorry, old girl. It's tricky. Percentage wise – you're 80% human still. 90% at most.'

'Andrew thought I was some strange alien in a human suit.'

'No, that's the Doctor.'

'Careful,' Sarah said, smiling. 'That is my husband you're talking about.'

'Seriously though, we thought that the transmitter thingy that we did on Nerva that eliminated the poison from your system after you got bitten by that cybermat also eliminated the dystronic toxaemia from the Kaled rocket as well. It wasn't until you collapsed in the TARDIS on the way back to Earth that the Doctor realised it hadn't. I don't know a lot about what happened in that hospital. The doctors there wouldn't let anyone but the Doctor see you or approve your treatment. You'd have to ask him more about that.'

'But you've seen my scans now.'

'Yes, and I know they don't match a normal human's. There would have been no way that you could have carried either Christopher or Luke to term if you had been, and that's assuming that you could have even gotten pregnant in the first place. The only thing I can figure is that whatever they did to you in that hospital, they had to have used some of the Doctor's DNA. That's the only way that Christopher and Luke could've both been born with two hearts.'

'But Christopher didn't regenerate when Andrew shot him.'

'Just because he was a little more than half Time Lord I guess didn't give him enough to be able to regenerate. Again, that's more of a question that the Doctor would have to answer.'

'He was better at answering questions when I thought he was just an eccentric but human scientist. Now that he's not hiding the fact that he's the Doctor, he spends a lot of his time tinkering in the TARDIS and less time actually talking to us.'

'That doesn't sit real well with you, does it?'

'I think he's just trying to give me some space to deal with things.'

A thought crossed Harry's mind. 'If you know the truth now, why did he bother to come into headquarters this morning?'

Sarah shrugged, 'UNIT still pays the bills. I think he also had some questions of his own that he wanted answered.'

'Like what?'

'Like who would've had access to my files when Andrew finally lost it? It was someone at UNIT that told him that I had been genetically altered and that Christopher wasn't human. He's making it his mission to find out who it was. And to make sure that all of our files are sealed in the future.'

'He could've found that out long before now. All of your files are classified, but he has the clearance.'

'He never knew what triggered Andrew. When I got my memories back, we were able to talk about it.'

Harry took a sip of his drink before a thought occurred to him. 'So, what happens next? We both know that normally the Doctor has never stayed in one place very long. This whole "playing human" thing has kept him here for almost twenty years. I bet he's just itching to get back to his travels.'

Sarah finished the last of her drink. 'I'm trying not to think about it right now. I don't want to essentially stick my head in the sand, but I'm having enough issues just processing the past, I can't even begin to think about the future yet.'

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	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes:

Not mine, nope, none of it! Reviews would be awesome, is anyone reading? Some of the events the 4th Doc and Sarah discuss with Harry are pulled from another story of mine - Saving Sarah.

* * *

Sarah stood in the kitchen, starting to put the kettle on when she could sense someone standing behind her. She smiled as she felt the telepathic feelers reaching out for her. 'Does your father have you practicing your skills?' She turned around to see Luke giving her an odd expression.

'This is all relatively new, isn't it?' he asked.

'For me or for you, Luke?'

Luke sat down at the kitchen table and couldn't quite shake the confused expression from his face. 'Both? Mum, how does you knowing the truth change our lives?'

Sarah sat down opposite Luke. 'What do you mean?'

'Dad said that you knowing the truth would change our lives and your perceptions on things. Your relationship to each other, who I am, that sort of thing.'

'Your father and I have a complicated relationship. We always have, we probably always will, and of course knowing the truth doesn't make it any less complicated. I'm still not happy about the fact that he suppressed my memories, but I do understand why he did it.'

'What about me?'

Sarah was confused. 'What about you, Luke?'

'Do you feel differently about me, knowing who Dad is, and knowing you had another son before me?'

Sarah reached across the table and took Luke's hand in hers. 'Oh Luke, I love you, and nothing is going to change that.'

'But I'm not human.'

'In some ways, neither am I. Not anymore.' She sighed. 'If I had to be perfectly honest with you, that's the part I'm having the hardest problem adjusting to. Part of the memories that your father held back included the fact that I wasn't quite human myself. If you were 100% human or 100% Time Lord, it wouldn't matter to me. The important thing is that you are my son.'

Luke smiled. 'Mum, do you think Dad will go back to travelling? Like he did before I was born?'

'Honestly, if I had to make a guess, I would say yes. Maybe not right away, but eventually. His wanderlust has to be about driving him batty. He never was one to stay in one place for too long.'

'What about us?'

'We'll be all right, no matter what he decides to do. It won't change the fact that we're a family. We'll just be a bit of an unusual one. Luke, I know it'll be a change for you, but it won't change your father's feelings for you.'

'What was your other son like?'

'Christopher? He was very much like you, extremely smart. He was just starting to really show his personality, but he was only six when he died. He looked more like his father than me.'

Luke jumped on her odd choice of words. 'His father? But he and I have the same father, don't we?'

Sarah smiled. 'Has your father ever told you about regeneration?'

'No, what's that?'

The Doctor was standing in the doorway watching the conversation, unnoticed by either of them. He picked now to jump in. 'When a Time Lord's body wears out or is damaged badly enough, we have the ability to completely replace and regenerate that body, right down to the cellular structure. Each time it occurs, we look radically different. I'm in my seventh body now, so I've gone through six regenerations.'

Luke turned around to look at his father. 'So this wasn't the body you were in when you and Mum met?'

Sarah smiled. 'His fourth body was Christopher's father. He may look different, but underneath the exterior features, he's the same.'

The Doctor walked over and kissed Sarah on the top of her head. 'Sarah's known me through several incarnations. She travelled with me during my third and fourth incarnations. She even witnessed me regenerate that time. She met my first, second and fifth selves on Gallifrey one time, but I didn't get to say much to her.'

'So what happened to you, Mum, that you say you're not quite human?'

The Doctor sat down at the table between Sarah and Luke. 'Your mother was exposed to a deadly form of radiation when we were separated on a war-torn planet. I thought that we had purged the radiation from her system, but it wasn't until later that I realised we hadn't. I had to make some pretty drastic decisions.'

_  
The Doctor, Sarah and Harry entered the TARDIS, pushing the printout from the Brigadier's time space telegraph out of the way. The Doctor was fussing as he moved the paper way from the console, 'Why the Brigadier thinks that the more times he uses that the faster we'll be there. I'm a Time Lord, not an errand boy.'_

While the Doctor continued to complain loudly and just as Harry started to interrupt, he glanced back at Sarah. She had gone deathly pale, and leaned heavily against the console. 'Sarah, are you all right?' Harry asked.

The Doctor looked up at her and frowned, just making it to her side as she passed out. He eased her gently to the ground, concern radiating from his eyes. Harry was at her other side in an instant, checking her vitals. 'I don't understand, Doctor, she was fine just a second ago.'

'I think I've made a terrible mistake, Harry.' He stood up quickly and started changing the coordinates. 'We have to get her to the medical base on Indela VI.'

'Her heart rate is rising, just like with the toxins in her system earlier. I thought the transport purged them from her system?'

'Harry, this isn't from the cybermen's virus, this is dystronic toxaemia from her loading the rocket on Skaro. I thought that the transport back and forth from Voga would've flushed it from her system, but I was wrong.'

~!~!~!~

'Are you sure this is the only way to save her?' The Doctor asked, glancing back at an unconscious Sarah propped up on one side of the wide hospital bed.

The Indelian medic with four legs and three arms gave a slight nod of his orange head. 'The process is quite intensive and painful. Our normal procedures are different for a humanoid than it would be for one of our own species. If you add in the extra difficulties from the variations in your own species, I'm afraid your…' the medic paused and glanced back at Sarah before continuing, 'Friend, will have a very difficult time adjusting. We have found with different humanoid species that close proximity eases the discomfort, especially when you consider your own telepathic ability.'

'So just tell me exactly what I need to do and let's get this over with.'

'You will need to be as close to her as physically possible. The procedure itself will not take long, however she will have residual seizures. We need you to hold her as still as possible while the changes solidify. We will also have monitors on you as the donor, to make sure that as her body adjusts, she is not further altering the sequences past what will eliminate the toxins from her system.' The medic gestured towards the bed. 'If you would, Doctor, we can go ahead and get started.'

The Doctor went over to the empty side of the bed and lay down on top of the covers next to Sarah. 'Let's get this started.'

The medic walked around and put sensors on both the Doctor and Sarah's temples. Taking a handheld device, he began to scan the Doctor, frequently stopping and looking at the feedback the device was giving him.

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The Doctor tightened his arms around Sarah as her body began to convulse. He could see the pain etched across her face, even though she refused to vocalize it. As her seizure began to ease, Sarah relaxed her head against the Doctor's arm as he reached up and pushed hair away from her face. 'Better?' he asked softly.

She took a few deep breaths before answering, 'Getting there. Not fun.'

'I suppose not. Your body is doing a lot of adjusting at the moment.'

They both watched as the door opened and the medic gestured for Harry to enter. The surprised look on Harry's face was obvious as he saw the Doctor and Sarah. 'Well, I must say that I've never seen a hospital that allowed for those sorts of visits, eh Doctor?'

The Doctor glared at Harry. 'Shut up Harry. It's part of the Indelian procedures on genetic transfer and stabilisation.'

'Genetic transfer? Where did they get the source?' After a pause, Harry realised. 'From you, Doctor? Wouldn't it make more sense to come from me? After all, I am human.'

'Harry, I'm not your normal human.' Sarah said softly.

Harry smiled, 'Of course you aren't, old girl, but you're still human.'

'I'm a product of…' her sentence dropped off as another seizure wracked her body. The Doctor focused all his attention on her and again tightened his grip, leaving Harry only able to watch.

As the seizure calmed, Sarah attempted to continue her statement, but the Doctor shushed her. 'You rest, Sarah.'

'Is this what the treatment they've given her causes?' Harry asked.

'It's only temporary. These are briefer and not nearly as violent as they were at the beginning, but they're still exhausting her.'

'I'm still here.' She said softly, but with a smile. Her eyes met the Doctor's and they stared at each other in silence for a moment.

The Doctor looked back to Harry and said, 'What Sarah started to say was that she was a product of a failed science experiment.'

Harry had watched the silent exchanged between the Doctor and Sarah. 'Are you two now communicating telepathically? How did you know what Sarah was going to say?'

'It's complicated,' Sarah noted. 'He was there. The Doctor is the only reason I'm alive today, in fact, he's the only reason I was born healthy.'

The Doctor added in, 'Sarah's father wasn't the businessman he claimed to be, he was actually a scientist about 100 years out of his time. A geneticist who should have never been able to accomplish what he was able to.'

'Experiments on a scale that seem impossible, even unethical in most circles, yet, here I am,' Sarah added.

Harry struggled to wrap his brain around all the information he'd been given. Sarah could tell by his eyes that he didn't like this latest development. 'Well, I'd say that the best thing at this point is for you to get better, old girl, and then for us to just get back to the Brigadier and take care of whatever he needs.' He watched as Sarah had trouble keeping her eyes open. 'Why don't I let you rest, Sarah. I'll be outside.'

As Harry left the room, Sarah turned at looked at the Doctor. 'Oh, that probably didn't go the best, did it?'

'Well, he doesn't understand.'

'No, and he never will, nor will he be able to accept it. I just lost my humanity in his eyes.'

  
Luke continued to watch the conversation between his parents, waiting to see what else they were going to say.

'No, Harry never did completely understand exactly what we went through when the Indelians did that final genetic transfer.' Sarah looked from Luke over to the Doctor. His eyes were dark, his patent look for when he was deep in thought.

The Doctor agreed. 'No, he didn't. I would imagine that's why he was so keen to get back to Earth.'

'And to stay there once we were in Scotland. The "space stuff" never really was his cup of tea.'

'To say the least. He never did quite accept you after that, did he?'

'Oh, he was always a dear friend, and always very nice to me, but he had trouble comprehending why I was ok with everything that happened. As an Earth doctor, he always thought there should've been another way that wouldn't have compromised my "human side".'

The Doctor reached over and took one of Sarah's hands in his. 'What about you, Sarah Jane, do you regret it?'

Sarah squeezed his hand tightly and smiled. 'Regret what? That you saved my life? I don't think so. Regret that you gave some of yourself to me to make sure I lived, not once but twice? Absolutely not. Regret that because of it I was able to have your children? I'd not change that. The only thing I would change is that Christopher would still be alive. We should've left with you when we had the chance. I blame myself for that.'

Sliding his chair closer to her, the Doctor reached up and took her face in his hands, and turned so that she was looking into his eyes. 'I don't blame you, Sarah.'

'What? How could you not?' she couldn't hide the tears beginning to form at the edges of her eyes.

'I don't blame you. Our life would not have been safe for a child, with all the dangers we always faced. You were doing the best thing you knew to keep him safe. I can't blame you for that.'

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	7. Chapter 7

AN: I own nothing - just playing in the Beeb's sandbox. Sorry about the delay, real life intervened, but this should wrap this one up...

Sarah woke up suddenly, sitting bolt upright in bed. She ran a hand over her eyes, trying to shake the disturbing images that shattered her sleep. Glancing over, she realised that the other side of the bed hadn't yet been slept in. Getting up out of bed, she pulled on her robe and a pair of shoes, and headed downstairs and outside towards the TARDIS.

Walking into the console room, but not seeing the Doctor, she called out. 'Knock, knock, anyone at home?' After a moment, she realised she probably wasn't going to get a reply. Instead, she sent out some telepathic feelers to see if she could locate the Doctor that way. Silently, she walked through the interior door and followed the responses she was receiving.

She walked into the bedroom that held her first wedding dress and found the Doctor asleep sitting in a chair with his feet propped up on the bed. She gently placed a hand on his shoulder and whispered, 'Doctor?'

The Doctor looked up at her and smiled. 'Sarah Jane, what are you doing awake?'

She sat down on the edge of the bed and faced him. 'Nightmare.'

He frowned, 'Do you want to talk about it?'

She shook her head. 'No, not particularly. I wish I could say it was just a bad dream and it wasn't real, but unfortunately, it was real.' She sighed. 'I'm an idiot. There are so many things that I did that go completely against all the things I stood for and all the things I believed in. And the worst thing of all is, I don't know how it happened. I don't know where I changed. If I had a friend that told me what she was going through, I would've told her to leave, to take her child to safety, and yet I couldn't do that myself? When did I quit being a strong, independent woman and become a victim that had no backbone?'

'Sarah, look at me.' The Doctor tried to get her to look into his eyes. He even reached out to take her face in his hands, but even when he turned her face towards him, her eyes remained downcast to the floor. 'Sarah, I meant it when I said I don't blame you for what happened.'

'How can you not? I could have saved Christopher. We could've stayed with you after you came back.'

'Would it have accomplished anything? You felt replaced by Leela, as did I by your husband.'

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_The Doctor slammed the lever for the doors as he entered the console room. He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his mass of wild curls. He started punching buttons on the console as Leela ran through the interior door, knife pulled at the ready. 'What is wrong?' she asked as she looked around, every instinct on high alert._

'_Nothing.'_

'_Why the noise? What was out there?'_

'_Nothing.'_

'_You are lying, Doctor. It is written on your face.' She reached out and turned the knob that the Doctor had previously told her worked the scanner. 'Doctor, there is someone approaching the TARDIS.'_

'_You're imaging things, Leela.'_

_Soon there was a bang on the door, and a small voice calling from the other side. 'Doctor, please don't leave like this.'_

_Leela looked from the door to the Doctor. 'Who is she, Doctor?' The Doctor responded with only silence. She looked from his eyes to the small woman on the scanner. 'Are you going to let her in?'_

_Before the Doctor could answer, the door opened and the woman entered, holding a crying child by the hand. 'Fine, if you won't open the door, I'll use my own key.'_

_The Doctor kept his eyes only on the console. 'I forgot I had given you a key, Sarah.'_

'_That's twice in one day you've lied to me, Doctor.' She quickly realised they were not alone in the console room. 'Oh, hello. I'm Sarah and this,' she motioned to the child, 'is Christopher.'_

'_I am Leela, warrior of the Seveteem.'_

_Sarah quickly regarded Leela's outfit and the knife. 'A warrior. Very good.' She turned back to the_ _Doctor. 'I don't want you to leave like this, Doctor.' At that point, Christopher went from crying to wailing. 'He's been like this since you walked away. I'm sure he knows or he's picking it up from you or something.'_

_The Doctor reached out and picked up Christopher. Immediately, he stopped crying. 'Does he respond this way with your husband, Sarah Jane?'_

_Leela watched the dynamic between the two. 'Doctor, this is between you and your mate. I will be in my room.' She quickly left back through the interior door, but no one seemed to notice._

_Sarah noticed. 'Didn't take you long to move on either, so I don't want to hear one word about Andrew,' Sarah said softly._

'_It's not the same thing, Sarah.'_

'_Flapdoodle! And you know it.'_

'_Sarah Jane, why did you come here?'_

'_That's rich. You started this. Because you're here, for one. Christopher needs to know his father, his real father. Not some mere human that poses for pictures and makes life look good from the outside looking in.' She ran a hand across her face and flinched as she hit the spot that she knew would be bruised in the morning._

_The Doctor sensed what just ran through Sarah's mind. 'Sarah, what has he done to you? There's something you're not telling me.' He felt the mental click as she closed the door between them._

'_Nothing. Nothing you need to worry about, I'll deal with it.'_

_The Doctor reached out and gingerly touched Sarah's face, feeling the heat emanating from the injured skin. 'Now who's speaking flapdoodle, Sarah Jane?'_

'_I asked you where we go from here. I won't leave my husband, Doctor, but I do want you to spend time with Christopher. Andrew has been very kind to him, but he's not his father. There are certain things that only you can teach him.'_

'_I will do what I can, Sarah, although it pains me to see you with someone you don't love.'_

_Sarah looked at the floor. 'Sometimes convenience is easier than love.'_

_~!~!~!~_

'You know, I actually thought about taking Christopher that day.'

Sarah nodded, not surprised. 'I rather figured.' Sarah gave the Doctor a slight smile. 'Well, it doesn't matter now. What does matter IS now, and the future. Doctor, I'm not going to hold you here any longer.'

The Doctor stood up and moved to sit next to Sarah on the bed. 'What do you mean?'

'You've been here with me for all these years. I can't hold you to Earth anymore.'

Taking a deep breath, the Doctor put an arm around Sarah's shoulder and pulled her towards him. 'I actually have something to tell you, Sarah.' She looked up into his eyes as he continued. 'I just got a notification from Gallifrey.'

Sarah took a deep breath and leaned her head against the Doctor's shoulder. 'I know I just said I can't hold you to Earth anymore, but does it have to be Gallifrey that takes you away again?'

'This isn't like last time. The Daleks put the Master on trial on Skaro. They sentenced him to death.'

Sarah barely resisted the urge to smile. 'Extermination?'

'What else?'

'Where do you and Gallifrey come into this?'

'The Master asked the Time Lords to send me to take his remains back to Gallifrey.'

'Because you and he have fought before, and he knows you and the Daleks don't exactly get along?'

'You have to appreciate the irony. Fortunately, it should be a quick trip. Skaro to Gallifrey and then back here.'

Sarah smiled. 'Well, it'll do you good to get off planet for a few days, yes?'

'Quite possibly. It's been a while. I know that you're still not in a great spot, so I hate to leave you while you're still trying to come to terms with everything.'

'When do you have to leave?'

'I want to talk to Luke in the morning, then probably after that. Hopefully I'm back before lunchtime.' He gave her a smile.

Sarah pulled back and looked at him. 'There's something you're not telling me.'

He winked at her before leaning over and kissing her temple. 'Would I do that, Sarah Jane?'

~!~!~!~

Sarah sat down at the kitchen table and wrapped her hands tightly around her mug of tea. It had been almost a year since the Doctor left, supposedly on a short trip to Skaro to pick up the Master's remains to take them back to Gallifrey. Knowing the Doctor's history with the Daleks, she didn't know what to think. She knew that the mental bond they shared was no longer there. Something had changed, and she could almost pinpoint the day. Right before New Year's 1999.

As she stood up to take the mug full of cold tea to the sink, a voice from behind her surprised her. 'Sarah.'

She whirled around to face a man with longish, wavy brown hair and a distinctly Edwardian look. As soon as she saw his piercing blue eyes, she dropped the mug, shattering it and spilling the tea all over the floor. 'Doctor.'

As she bent down, he quickly grabbed a towel and knelt down to help her. They cleaned up in silence. She reached out to take the towel from him, but he took her hands in his instead, and guided her back to the kitchen table.

She reached up and gently touched the side of his face. She finally trusted her voice enough to say, 'My Doctor. What happened?'

'What's the date?' the Doctor asked gently.

'15 October, 2000.'

'I was shot in San Francisco and died when they tried to do surgery on me. They even managed to leave some of the wiring in me, but it came out after I regenerated. I woke up in the morgue and it took me quite a while before I really knew who I was. It was one of my more traumatic regenerations.'

Tears welled up in Sarah's eyes as he spoke. 'I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me.' She took a deep breath and tapped a finger against her temple. 'I feel very empty. My connection is not with you, is it specific to the regeneration?'

He took her hands in his and brought them up towards his face and quickly kissed them before placing them on the table and continuing to hold them. 'Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. This is still new territory for me as well. We always had a bit of a bond once we reactivated the dormant DNA that I implanted in you as a child. After the genetic transfers on Indela VI, it was stronger, and then the strongest after our bonding ceremony. Given that your memory was suppressed during most of our marriage here, but came back just as strong once your memory returned, I wouldn't think that it was regeneration specific. It's probably something more along the lines of time spent together.'

'I don't know about that. When you came back and met Christopher after four years of being gone, the bond was there.'

'That's true. I wish I had more answers for you, Sarah Jane.' He paused and thought about what he wanted to say next, but then, instead of speaking, he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

She didn't know what to say. 'Are you going to be able to stay long enough to introduce your new self to Luke? He should be back from school in a couple of hours.'

'Who says I'm not staying longer than that?'

Sarah smiled, but it didn't go all the way to her eyes. 'C'mon, Doctor, I know how you get after regeneration, you get itchy to travel, to break the bonds that held you to places and things.'

'My fourth self certainly was. Too many memories of being exiled to Earth and held here against my will by the Time Lords. But, if you also remember, I did take you with me.' He thought for a minute. 'I wasn't sure what I was going to do at first this time, given that I was still suffering from that post-regeneration amnesia. It took longer than I thought to clear my mind, but when I remembered what was waiting here for me. My wife – my beautiful Sarah Jane and my son.'

~!~!~!~

_As Sarah opened her eyes, she recognized the familiar walls of the TARDIS, but knew instantly she wasn't in her regular room. With just a touch of a lingering headache, as she reached up and ran a hand over her eyes, the arms looped around her indicated she was not alone in the oversized bed._

_She reached over and put a hand on the Doctor's shoulder. 'Hey, Doctor, you all right?' she whispered._

'_How's your head?' he whispered back, but without opening his eyes._

'_Still a twinge, yours?'_

'_Same.' He finally opened his eyes. 'Sarah.'_

_She looked up at him, locking her eyes with his. 'This is about the ceremony, isn't it?'_

'_Yes.'_

'_You said it was a bonding ceremony. And now you're being overly affectionate, well, overly affectionate for you anyway. So, Doctor, tell me what is going through that oversized brain of yours?'_

'_Sarah, that ceremony was the Earth equivalent of a wedding.'_

_Sarah sat bolt upright, breaking his embrace and looked at him in surprise. 'Wedding? You mean we're married?'_

'_Yes.'_

'_Oh, ok.' Sarah chewed on her bottom lip thoughtfully. 'So, what does that mean to you, Doctor?'_

'_What do you mean? Time Lords take a bonding ceremony very seriously. I should ask you what it means for you, Sarah.'_

_Sarah shook her head. 'Doctor, I didn't ask what the Time Lords would say, or care to discuss me at the moment. What do you think, Doctor? What does this mean for you?'_

_The Doctor reached up and pulled Sarah back towards him, tightening his grip around her. 'Sarah Jane Smith. Over the years, I've cared for all of my companions, the people who have travelled with me. You have managed something that no one has managed before. You've becoming more than any travelling companion, Sarah, you've become my best friend.'_

'_How is that different? I'm not trying to be obtuse here, Doctor. I just want to know what that term means as far as you are concerned. Best friends has lots of connotations for me as a human.'_

_He looked at Sarah thoughtfully. 'I guess I never really thought of it in those terms before. I've had plenty of friends, Sarah, but never anyone I would've considered my best friend. You are someone that it would pain me greatly to lose, or to be apart from. I feel very protective of you, even though you've proven time and again that you can take care of yourself. I want to show you the universe, Sarah. I want to show you everything that time and space has to offer. I want to take you to the furthest reaches of the galaxy and watch your smile as you see suns rise across the different planets. Does that answer your question, Sarah?'_

_Sarah relaxed into his embrace, 'Yes, that is more than I expected, Doctor, and I am honoured to be that person in your life.'_

_The Doctor leaned over and kissed Sarah on the temple. 'Sarah, are you all right with this? It is bound to make things different for you, and for us going forward.'_

_Sarah smiled before reaching up and quickly giving the Doctor a kiss. 'I'll take each day as it comes, just as we do now, and I look forward to spending as much time with you as I can.'_

_~!~!~!~  
_

Sarah quickly wiped away a tear, hoping the Doctor didn't see it, but he did. 'Oh, Sarah Jane, I'm so sorry.' He reached out and cupped her face with his hand. 'You've lost so much in your life, I hate that I've brought you so much of that pain.'

'Doctor, yes, there has been pain, but there's been so much more than that. And the good far outweighs the bad. I wouldn't trade out time together for anything else in the world.'

The Doctor stood up and pulled Sarah up and into an embrace. 'Sarah, no matter what happens, you'll always be my best friend.'

As they continued to hold each other, Sarah felt the mental bond re-establishing itself. They each smiled as the bond resolidified. After a time, the Doctor pulled Sarah out to arm's length to look in her eyes.

Looking intently at the Doctor, she finally asked, 'I sense the War that is in the back of your mind. How long before you'll have to go? And this time, you think that this is a permanent goodbye.'

'I'm sorry, Sarah. I will stay with you and Luke as long as I can. And I will make sure that Luke doesn't get pulled into it – he's more human than Time Lord, as are you. You should both be safe, as long as you stay here on Earth.'

Sarah repeated her promise from all that time ago. 'Just like before, I'll take each day as it comes, and I look forward to spending as much time with you as I can.'

They embraced again, ready to take each moment by moment, together.

FINIS…


End file.
